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WHEN MOTHER CAME 
TO COLLEGE 




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A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



CHICAGO 



WHEN MOTHER GAME 
TO COLLEGE 

A COLLEGE FARCE-COMEDY IN ONE ACT 



BY 

LOUIS DUDLEY DAVID 



A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 

CHICAGO 



Copyright 1911 by 
A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



TMP92-009041 

©CI.D 23819 



CHARACTERS 

Archibald Townsend a sophomore at Alden College 

Billy Burton his roommate 

Mrs. Eliza Townsend Archibald's mother 

Time of Playing: forty minutes 



COSTUMES AND SUGGESTIONS 

Archibald : A young man, about twenty years of age. Should 
be shorter and of heavier build than Billy. Wears dress 
suit on his first appearance, but on his second entrance he 
removes coat, vest and collar, and dons bathrobe, which he 
wears till the close of the play. 

Billy: About the same age as Archibald. Tall and slim. 
Wears dark trousers, a white shirt and collar, sleeves rolled 
to the elbows. At entrance of Mrs. Townsend he dons coat. 
Exits as Billy and returns as the "Professor." As the Pro- 
fessor he wears the same trousers, but a long frock coat and. 
a heavy wig and beard. He carries a stovepipe hat in his 
hand. This costume is worn until the close of the play. 

Mrs. Townsend: Woman about forty-five years of age. 
Rather stout. Has no gray hairs — in fact, looks rather 
young. She appears dressed neither flashily nor shabbily, 
but rather as the wife of a comfortably-situated minister 
would be apt to dress. No change of costume. 



STAGE ARRANGEMENT 



Center Door 




Left 
En- 
trance 



A — Tabouret, upon which is set the basin. 

B — Desk and chair — desk littered with papers, books, letters, etc. 

(this desk has the larger mass of papers, to represent bills). 
C — Another desk and chair, as above. 
D — Sofa, covered with pillows and cushions, also having mandolin 

in full view. 
E — Table, upon which is pitcher of water, vase with flowers in it, 

and box containing poker chips and playing cards. 
F— Chair. 
G — Hatrack. 

STAGE ABBREVIATIONS 

L. — left. C. — center. E. — right. 



LIST OF PROPERTIES 

(Not mentioned in the above) 

Wig and beard for Billy's disguise as the "professor"; telegram; 
bandage, bottle, spoon, glass, for the "sick scene"; blanket; towel; 
suitcase, hand-satchel, and bundles for Mrs. Townsend; large picture 
of scantily-attired chorus girl; sign reading, "Chorus Girls Must Not 
Smoke in the Dressing-Boom"; sign reading, "Free Lunch Served 
on Plates All Day ' ' ; checkbook and pencil for Mrs. Townsend ; 
cuspidor; stovepipe hat and frock coat for "professor"; con- 
trivance for making noise off stage like breaking glass; rugs on 
floor. 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Scene: A typical college room — pennants, posters and pic- 
tures adorn the walls; college pillows cover the sofa, and 
other pillows are scattered around the room. In the center 
of the stage, well down front, is a table, with a chair be- 
side it. On the table is a water pitcher, a vase with flowers 
in it, and a box containing cards and poker chips. To the 
right is the sofa covered with pillows; to the left of the 
table is a tabouret. To the left, behind the left entrance, 
is a desk strewn with books, papers, etc., upon which is 
also a huge pile of bills. A chair stands behind the desk. 
Other furniture may be used to fill in. The chart of the 
stage setting will explain the position of each article. Care 
should be taken to get a good college "atmosphere." 

At rise of curtain Billy is alone, sitting at desk [R.] 
going through the pile of bills. He is in his shirt-sleeves, 
his coat being laid over the back of his chair. 

Billy : Now this thing has gone far enough ! [Bangs table.] 
When I hooked up with that fool roommate of mine, I 
didn't imagine, of course, that I was going into partner- 
ship with a saint, but when a fellow's parents have saddled 
him with the name of Archibald [sarcastically], you'd 
think that that would settle him for life! Who'd ever 
think a fellow could be a regular devil with the name of 
Archibald! [Disgustedly:] Huh! he doesn't seem to mind 
a handicap like that a bit ! [Hands in pockets.] He told 
me his folks had sent him down here to study the Higher 
Arts. He wrote his mother that he had gone in pretty 
strong for painting. Well, I guess he told the truth there, 

5 



6 WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 

all right. He's been busy ever since he came here — paint- 
ing — the town red: and now he's about run out of paint, 
and here's the result ! [Holds up a handful of bills. Walks 
to left, angrily.] Do you suppose a little thing like that 
bothers him ? , Not a bit of it ! Where do you suppose he 
is now? Out on a tear again! [Angrily:] Well, if he 
brings home another barber pole, and tries to set it up in 
the hall as a hatrack, I'm going to call a halt ! My nerves 
simply can't stand this sort of thing much longer — he's 

not a quiet fellow even when he's asleep ; he's a 

Archie [from below, bellowing out drunkenly] : I shay, 
Billy, come on down here and see what the devil makes 
this keyhole go round in a circle! It thinks I want to 
play tag. I don't want to play tag. I bet I catch it the 
next time it comes around ! [Pause.] I fooled it that 
time ! [Pause.] Hello ! when in the devil did you put in 
a moving stairway? What do you think this is, a depart- 
ment store ? Turn it off, will you ? I want to come up ! 
[.4/ the first word of the speech Billy, with a gesture of 
resignation, sits on sofa [R.], picks up the mandolin and 
starts to play softly. If the character playing the part 
cannot play a mandolin, he merely sits nursing his knee. 
The door bursts open and Archie stands on the threshold. 
He looks the typical college boy out for a time. He wears 
a dress suit, but his collar is fastened only in the back, 
and his shirt bosom is soiled. His hair is disheveled, and 
his face dirty. He carri-es a light coat in one hand and 
a silk hat in the other. Walking drunkenly, he deposits 
these on the hatrack. Then he lurches over to chair at 
right of center table, and stands holding to the back for 
support. Billy on sofa with averted face.] 
Archie [grinning foolishly at Billy, and swaying] : 'Lo, 
Billy! [Salutes.] Billy, I know you're tickled to death 
to see me home so early — and so sober — hie — but you 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 7 

needn't show your joy by dancing around like that. You've 
got all the furniture doing it, too. This chair here's doing 
a regular Salome! [Feels his way carefully around sides 
of chair and drops into it ivith a groan.'] Oh, my head ! 
Oh, but I've had some time, Billy — some time. 

Billy [at sofa, angrily] : You'll get some time, too, if you 
keep this thing up much longer. I hope it will be thirty 
days ! Perhaps then I'd get a chance to study !" 

Archie [reproachfully] : Oh, Billy ! How you'd miss me ! 

Billy [sarcastically] : Yes ! So would every theatre and 
beer-garden in the place. 

Archie : Lerame tell you about the time I had, Billy. It'll 
make you green with envy, you old parson! First, I 
rounded up "Dutch" Flanagan, "Lazy" Baxter and "Stew" 
Turner. 

Billy [in disgust] : A fine bunch ! 

Archie : Yes. First, we took in a show, and then we took 
four of the show-girls out to supper. I forgot what we 
had to eat. I lost most of it anyway, so it doesn't matter. 
Then we went for a ride in one of these "taxicheaters". 
Oh, but we had a silly time ! Everybody was singing and 
yelling. I felt feverish, so I stuck my feet out of the win- 
dow to cool my head off. A policeman stopped us and 
told us to cut out the noise. Someone told him to "go 
find Kelly". [Turns to Billy, seriously:] But he didn't 
do it ! No, he just yanked somebody out of the window by 
his feet. Then the taxi moved on and I discovered it was 
me that he had pulled out by the feet. Now, I call that a 
mighty familiar cop, Billy. [Feels for sore spots.] 

Billy [gazing at him, disapprovingly, with hands on hips] : 
You're a handsome mess ! If your brains were made of 
dynamite, and someone should hit you on the head with 
a brick, there wouldn't be enough of an explosion to muss 
your pompadour. 



8 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Archie [anxiously] : Aside from that I'm all right, ain't I ? 

Billy: How long are you going to keep this gay life up? 
The elastic limit has been stretched — somethirg is going to 
bust soon, I can see that. [Points finger suddenly at 
Archie.] 

Archie [with both hands to his head in alarm] : I'll bet it's 
my head ! It feels like it ! What do you suppose I had 
better do with it, Billy? 

Billy ['walking to desk L.] : Oh, go soak it! Look at these! 
[Picks up handful of bills.] What are you going to do 
with them — start a library? 

Archie [ivaving his hand grandly] : Oh, feed 'em to Hogan's 
goat, Billy, the next time he comes butting in. [Picks up 
pitcher and drinks.] 

Billy [picks up a bill and reads] : Here's a beautiful little 
valentine from the florist — short and sweet : "Man is made 
of dust — dust settles — it will cost you just fifteen dollars 
to be a man." 

Archie [laughing drunkenly] : That's a bargain ! My dad 
says if he can make a man out of me on five thousand 
dollars, he'll consider the money well spent. 

Billy [curtly] : I believe it. Here's another from the 
garage. [Reads:] "Mr. Townsend: If you think I can hire 
out my taxicabs and accept as my remuneration some 
three dozen empty champagne bottles, you are thinking 
with the wrong pile of sawdust. I know champagne was 
meant to be charged, but gasoline furnishes the power 
for my taxicabs." Here's one from 

Archie [interrupting] : Oh, cut it out ! If you want to 
practice public speaking, hire a hall. If you really must 
have an audience, round up some helpless freshie. No- 
body cares if a freshie dies. 

Billy: But you've got to read these bills sometime! 

Archie [impatiently] : Oh, I know 'em all by heart. I 



WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 9 

can't go down Main Street because that doggone tailor is 
always sitting in front of his shop. I wonder if he's got 
anything else to do but sit out there and think of the fifty 
dollars I owe him. I can't go down Spring Street because 
I owe the .Cafe. I can't go down Burrill because the con- 
fectioner says if he could see me once he'd die happy. 
[Thoughtfully:] I wonder why he said that. [Suddenly 
and bitterly:] Every morning I have to go to school down 
back alleys. Ugh! [Seizes water pitcher from table and 
buries his face in it.] 

Billy [with perfect seriousness] : Well, why don't you pay 
them? 

Archie [setting down the pitcher with a bang, and turning 
an astonished gaze at Billy] : Billy, when it comes to tell- 
ing people how to do things, Teddy Roosevelt hasn't any- 
thing on you! You're the "first aid kid," all right! I 
certainly struck it rich when I got you for a roommate. 
Dream on ! [Returns to the pitcher.] 

Billy : Why don't you send them to your father and make 
a clean breast of it? Surely, being a minister, he'd pull 
you out when he saw you were "in bad". 

Archie [setting the pitcher down quietly, and speaking 
slowly] : Billy, my father's a good enough minister, but 
he's a deuce of a father for a college man ! His favorite 
saying is: "Wild oats is the proper food for jackasses." 
The rubber band is so tight around his wallet that it cuts 
the leather. Oh, my head ! On the dead, Billy, if I could 
only square those debts I'd turn over a new leaf — that is, if 
I have any new leaves left. [Siezes the water pitcher, drinks, 
discovers it to be empty, holds it over his head inverted. 
Business.] Oh, but I've got a peach of a thirst! It's me 
for the sink, where the rest of the pipes are! [Walks un- 
steadily to the door, carrying the pitcher carefully in front 
of him. Exit at L.] 



10 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Billy [sarcastically, walking to the center of the room and 
standing at table] : There goes a glittering example of the 
"higher education !" The fond mama of that thinks "it's" 
going to be a minister. A minister! Oh, Lord! [Bell 
rings. Billy alarmed.] What's that? More bills? [Tip- 
toes elaborately to the door and listens.] 
Voice [from below] : Are these Mr. Townsend's apartments? 
Billy [turning from the door] : Uh, huh! I thought so! 

[Returns to listening attitude.] 
Voice [continuing] : Upstairs, you say ? First door to the 
right? Thank you, so much. I'll go right up. I am his 
mother ! 

[Great business by Billy to show his frenzy. He slams the 
door and advances to the center of the room with a be- 
wildered look on his face. Then in a wild frenzy he sets 
about to put the room in order. A smoking- jacket that 
lay over the back of the desk-chair at L., he chucks un- 
der the sofa. m He picks up a box from the table at C, 
containing cards and poker chips, catches his foot in a 
rug and stumbles, spilling cards and chips on the floor. 
Using a pillow as a broom, he attempts to sweep the 
telltale articles under the sofa. Failing to accomplish 
this in the requisite hurry, he covers the remainder with 
the rug, and as Mrs. Townsend enters he is struggling 
into his coat, which was over the back of desk-chair at R. 
During this business the voice continues speaking.] 
Voice: I expected to be in much sooner, but my train was 
delayed. I wanted to surprise the dear boy, so I didn't 
let him know I was coming. I'll go right up. 
[Mrs. Townsend enters through center door just as Billy 
is struggling into his coat. She is a large woman and 
carries a suitcase, a hand-satchel, and several small 
bundles. These she drops where she stands, with an 
"Oh r of relief. Turns and sees Billy, who is standing 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 11 

by desk at R., the picture of confusion and bewilder- 
ment.] 

Mrs. Townsend: Oh, good evening! You're Archibald's 
roommate, I suppose. 

[Billy gives a frightened nod, casting surreptitious glances 
at the door of the room into which Archibald has gone.] 

Mrs. Townsend [continuing'] : I am his mother. I've just 
run down to give the dear boy a surprise. 

Billy [aside] : Oh, he'll be surprised, all right ! 

Mrs. Townsend: I'm delighted to meet you. Archibald 
has written so much about you, — that is, — when he 
wrote. [Seats herself on sofa at R.] 

Billy [still bewildered and with thoughts concentrated on 
the room to which Abchibald has gone] : Oh, yes, — when 
he wrote — when he wrote — quite so — to be sure ! [Aside :] 
What the deuce am I to do ? 

Mrs. Townsend [fanning herself] : The darling boy must 
be dreadfully busy, — he writes so seldom. 

Billy [absent-mindedly] : Yes, he spends so much of his 
time in the president's office. [Mrs. T. looks up inquir- 
ingly.] That is, doing typewriting, and all that sort of 
thing. [Mrs. T. nods, satisfied. Billy, in an aside:] 
The next time I take a roommate, I'll pick out an orphan. 
[A terrific crash as of breaking glass is heard off stage, 
coming from room at L. to which Archie had gone.] 

Mrs. Townsend [jumping to her feet in alarm] : Goodness 
gracious ! What was that ? 

Billy [walking quickly to the door and turning the key] : 
Oh, nothing at all, Mrs. Townsend. I think one of the 
sophomores hit a freshman on the head with a brick. 
Nothing to be alarmed about. [Aside:] This is no place 
for a nervous lady ! 

Mrs. Townsend: Oh, how perfectly dreadful! I do hope 
they did not hurt the poor fellow. 



12 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Billy [looking at her in amazement] : Hurt a freshman by 
hitting him on the head ? Why, where there's no sense, of 
course there's no feeling. [Walking to the center door:] 
But I'll go and see the landlady about accommodations for 
the night. You'll want to stay here for the night, I sup- 
pose? 

Mrs. Townsend: You need not trouble yourself, Mr. Bur- 
ton. Archibald will attend to that for me. [Looks around 
the room in sudden amazement:] Why, where is Archi- 
bald? 

[Billy wilts. Then as he feels Mrs. T. has her eye on him, 
he straightens up suddenly.] 

Billy: Archibald? Oh, you came to see Archibald, didn't 
you? [Laughing foolishly.] To be sure! To be sure! 
Well — a — it's most disappointing, I know, Mrs. Town- 
send, but the fact is, Archibald isn't in. I forgot to men- 
tion it before. 

Mrs. Townsend [aghast] : Not in ? [Sinks back on 
sofa.] And at this hour of the night ! 

Billy [absent-mindedly] : Oh, he never is ! [Mrs. T. looks 
up quickly.] That is — a — I mean he's doing some special 
experiments that keep him out late. [Mops his forehead.] 

Archie [setting up a vigorous and indignant pounding on 

the door and howling through] : I say, Billy, now what 

the devil's the joke ? Unlock the door, can't you ? Do you 

think I'm a dangerous lunatic ? Cut out the comedy ! Take 

it from me, if you don't open it mighty soon, I'll kick a hole 

in it, and when I get that job done, I'll start on your face ! 

You know me, kid — open the door ! [Pounds door angrily.] 

[Mrs. T. is dumbfounded. Business for Billy. Finally, 

with a gesture of resignation, he walks reluctantly to the 

door and turns the key. Archie enters, muttering 

angrily. He is clad in a loudly-hued bathrobe, and bears 

in his hand a basin of water. Over his shoulder is slung 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 13 

a towel. As he passes Billy, mho is standing near the 
door, Billy gives him a poke in the ribs to attract his 
attention.] 

Archie [as Billy' pokes him] : Ouch! Look out! [Deposits 
the basin on the tabouret. He is so busily engaged that he 
does not see his mother, who is sitting grimly on the sofa 
at B. He starts to wash. The lines that follow are de- 
livered as he is washing, and his splutterings and blubber- 
ings should be a prolific source of comedy.'] What in the 
name of the seven brass hinges of hades is the matter with 
you tonight, anyway? I never saw you so frisky. You 
know the landlady won't stand for any more roughhouse, 
and if you get her riled up, she'll ask for her rent, and 
then you'll be rooming alone. [Splashes around.] Great 
guns, how my eyes burn ! Feel like a couple of Tungsten 
bulbs. I suppose that's from gazing through glasses every 
night, but I simply can't help it, Billy ; she's the brightest 
little star I ever saw — and you know I've seen one or two 
— eh, kid ? I never saw such a cute little slipper ! [Con- 
tinued business for Mrs. T. and Billy throughout this 
entire speech of Archibald's.] Oh, my head ! Where in 
the dickens did you put my bromo bottle? I laid in a 
gallon of the stuff only a week ago. I couldn't have used 
that much. I smashed a light out there [indicates door 
at L.] trying to hit a cockroach with a box of sardines. 
That's why I came in here to wash. I know it makes a 
deuce of a mess on the carpet, but then we'll have to be 
moving along soon, anyway. The landlady is about on to 
us. [Drying himself.] Too bad, too ! Bully little place ! 
Bully lit — [sees his mother — silence — then in a weak 
voice:] Hello, Ma! When did you get in? Anything the 
matter ? 

Mrs. Townsend [sternly]: Archibald Algernon Townsend! 

Archie [absently] : Present ! 



14 WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 

Mrs. Townsend: Archibald! 

Archie [in a weak voice] : Yes, Ma. 

Mrs. Townsend : Come here ! [Archibald comes reluc- 
tantly and stands before his mother. She smells of his 
clothes, sniffing audibly. Then she throws up her hands 
in horror.'] Archibald Algernon Townsend ! You've been 
smoking! [Billy at desk at L. is convulsed with laugh- 
ter.] 

Archie [smells first one sleeve, then of the other] : No, 
Mother, that's not smoke you smell, that's [sniff], that's 
[sniff], that's- — a — sulphur from the chemical laboratory! 

Billy [gleefully breaking in] : Some of those experiments 
I was telling you of. [Archie gives him a murderous 
look.] 

Mrs. Townsend : Hem ! I dare say ! [Archie is fanning 
himself vigorously in a vain effort to drive away the tell- 
tale fumes.] Archibald ! [Archie starts and drops fan.] 
What did I hear you say when you entered the room, or 
do my ears deceive me? 

Archie [with a blank look on his face] : I don't know what 
you refer to, Mama. 

Billy [aside to Archie, and pointing to the basin] : She 
means when you were taking your young bath ! [Archie 
shakes his fist at Billy.] 

Mrs. Townsend [accusingly] : Who was the "star" you 
spoke so enthusiastically about? It seems to have made 
quite an impression on you. Your eyes were sore from 
gazing at her through your glasses, I believe you said ! 
[Archie confused. Billy convulsed, holding hands in 
front of face and shaking with laughter.] 

Archie : Did I say that ? Oh, yes ! — no ! [Stammering.] 
That is — a — yes — you're quite right! I was speaking — a 
— a — [suddenly] of the new comet we've been studying 
lately — with glasses — telescopes, you know! [Puts hands 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 15 

to eyes as if looking through a telescope, gazing at imagi- 
nary stars. 1 

Mrs. Townsend : I am quite familiar with the workings of 
that instrument. You need not go through those gymnas- 
tics ! [Archie stops.] And since when, may I ask, do 
they call comets "stars"? 

Archie [soothingly'] : Now, mother, you know you studied 
astronomy quite a while ago, and science has made won- 
derful changes since then — hasn't it, Billy? [Billy nods 
vigorously.] Besides, I said this was a new comet. All the 
new comets are called "stars" in the latest textbooks — 
aren't they, Billy? [Billy nods enthusiastic assent, as 
before.] You see, Billy's way up in astronomy. 

Mrs. Townsend [frigidly] : I dare say. And I suppose the 
newest comets have "cute little slippers" ! [Archie almost 
faints. Billy laughs silently.] 

Archie : Oh, dear, no ! You must have heard me wrong. 
You see you sat so far away. I didn't mention a little 
slipper. I said — a — [seized with a sudden idea] Little 
Dipper! Little Dipper! One of the constellations, you 
know! [With his forefinger he traces out the constella- 
tion on an imaginary sky, laughing foolishly and repeat- 
ing "Little Dipper" under his breath.] 

Mrs. Townsend : I am quite aware, sir, that the Little Dip- 
per is one of the constellations. I dare say that the text- 
books have not changed that much ! 

Archie [walking slowly to the left of center table, 
passing in front of it] : Oh, no ! Not at all ! Not — 
at — all! [Very awkward pause. Billy at desk, laughing 
at Archie's predicament. Mrs. T. sitting very stiff and 
accusingly silent on sofa. Archie goes to left of table 
with a very woebegone expression on his face. The next 
line is delivered with amazing suddenness.] When are you 
going home, Ma? [Billy nearly collapses.] 



16 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Mrs. Townsend [almost speechless with amazement] : When 
am I going home ? Good gracious ! Why, I've just come ! 
You might at least give me time to take my hat off. 
[Accusingly:] Are you that anxious to get rid of me? 

Archie [quickly] : Oh, no ! Oh, dear no ! [Hastens to his 
mother and removes the pins from her hat as he speaks.] 
I can't tell you how happy I am to have you here. I was 
just saying to Billy a little while before you came in [has 
hat off now, and sticks pins into hat as he speaks. One 
pin is jammed forcibly into hat at the word "dandiest" 
as if he intended to say "damned"], Billy, I've got the 
da — dandiest father and mother a fellow ever had, and I 
just wish one of them would run down here to pay me a 
little visit, as a surprise. [Turns suddenly on Billy:] 
Didn't I say that, Billy? 

Billy [getting serious in a hurry] : Yes! Oh, yes! [Aside:] 
He was wishing they'd pay something else besides a visit ! 
[Points to mass of bills on desk.] 

Archie [behind center table] : Won't all the fellows be 
jealous of me? [In an undertone to Billy, scowling and 
shaking his fist:] Oh, won't they, though! [To his 
mother:] But you mustn't stay long, Mother. Just think 
how lonesome poor father must be ! Poor father ! [Stands 
in front of center table.] 

Mrs. Townsend [in delight] : Father has gone to Boston 
to attend a ministers' convention. He is to be gone a 
week, and I am to spend all that time here with you ! Now, 
aren't you happy? [Business for Billy. Archie can 
hardly stand on his feet.] • 

Archie [aside] : Oh, Lord ! She'll meet that morning 
parade of bill collectors ! [Stands limp, in utter despair.] 

Mrs. Townsend [arising] : But it's dreadfully late, and I 
really must be going now. I'll run up and see you the 
first thing in the morning, dear. [Archie looks sick. 



WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 17 

Mrs. T. while gathering up her bundles continues:] Let 
me see — I think I'll leave all these things here until I can 
get my own room arranged. No, I'll put them out of the 
way — in that room ! [Indicates door of room at L. Archie 
stumbles all over himself in his haste to place himself be- 
tween his mother and the room. Billy is alarmed, also. 
Business.'] 

Archie: A — a — don't bother, mother. I'll put everything 
away for you. Why, they're not in the way at all. Don't 
trouble yourself about them. Leave them to me. 

Mrs. Townsend [eyeing him suspiciously] : You are very 
considerate all of a sudden. I'll put them away myself ! 

Archie [with his back against the door, while Billy is on 
Mrs. Townsend' s right, gently trying to take her bundles 
from her. This piece of business must not be overdone, 
however.] Well, the fact is, Mother, we're housecleaning 
— Billy and I. Beastly work, isn't it, Billy? [Billy nods 
gravely, making a wry face at the fancied recollections.] 
Things, of course, are somewhat upset in this room, and I 
know how you hate disorder and all that sort of thing, so 
I don't like to have you see our room when it's so upset. 

Mrs. Townsend [firmly]: Never mind! I've done some 
housecleaning myself in my time, and I won't mind it so 
very much. I won't be shocked. [Exit into room at L.] 

Archie [crossing down front to R.]: Oh, no ! Wait till 
she sees what's in that room ! [Turns and sees Billy at 
L., laughing heartily. Throws pillow viciously at him.] 
Say, if you see anything so deuced funny to laugh about,, 
pass the giggle around ! A fellow that would laugh at such 
a thing would laugh at a funeral ! [Bitterly.] I wish I 
could laugh ! 

Billy [convulsed with laughter] : Oh, Lord ! Excuse me, 
Archie, old pal, excuse me, but I simply can't help it ! Oh, 
Lord! [In imitation of Mrs. Townsend:] I'm going to 



18 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

be with you a week ! Is Archibald glad to see Mama ? Oh, 
this is rich ! [Cannot control his laughter.] 

Archie [turning on him resentfully] : That's right ! Rub 
it in, rub it in, you frozen-faced baboon ! I'd brain you if 
you had any brains ! I believe you're glad to see it ! 

Billy [with mock sympathy] : No, Archibald, I'm deeply 
grieved — same as you are. But I thought you loved your 
Mama! 

Archie [grabbing up a pillow from the sofa] : By the blood 
of Brutus, I'll commit murder in a minute. [Advances 
threateningly upon Billy, who dodges around the table. 
Business.] Look out! Look out, you animated clothes- 
pin, or I'll put a dent in your roof big enough to hold 
water ! I'm desperate ! [Billy goes to L., Archie to R.] 
What the deuce is a fellow to do in a fix like this? Oh, 
if I had only taken a man for a roommate, instead of a 
fish! 

Billy [getting excited] : Now, look here, you homely rem- 
nant; if there's anyone has a kick coming on this room- 
mate business, I'm the goat ! 

Archie [turning on him] : Is that so ? Well, just for that, 
you take off my shirt and necktie ! 

Billy [cheerfully] : Sure; when you hustle out of my suit 
of underwear ! 

Archie: Say, if you took off everything you have on that 
belongs to me, you'd be "pinched" in a hurry for dis- 
orderly conduct! 

Billy : Well, I guess I could bail myself out, all right, with 
that ten dollars you owe me ! 

Archie [nonplussed, looks out towards the audience, face 
blank] : Oh ! Oh ! Billy, we simply can't be separated. 
I can see that without specs. [Pulls empty pockets inside 
out and looks down at them.] So let's put the fireworks 
in the cannery. [They shake hands.] And now, for the 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 19 

love of Cassius, help me out of this hole! [Crosses to 
R.] Gee, what a responsibility a mother is ! What the 
dickens right has a fellow's mother to go traveling around 
this way ? Home is the place for her. [Drops into chair at 
right of table at C] That's what comes of this suffrage 
business ! 

Billy [calmly] : Well, what are you going to do about it? 

Archie [jumping to his feet] : Do about it? Do about it? 
What the devil can I do ? If you had a head on your shoul- 
ders, instead of a croquet ball, you'd help me out ! 

Billy : Tell her an epidemic of smallpox has broken out in 
the college. 

Archie [reseating himself] : Oh, that's rotten ! She'd go 
home, all right, but she'd drag me home with her. "There's 
no place like home" — and I don't want to go there. - Re- 
member — my — father's — a — minister ! 

Billy [seated at desk] : JFake a telegram from your dad. 
Make him sick or dying. [Rises.] Kill him, if you want 
to do the job up fancy. 

Archie [i-ises slowly and regards Billy with mock admira- 
tion] : Well, well ! Billy, you're a wonder ! [Billy smiles 
trustingly and inflates his chest.] How proud your father 
must be of such a son ! [Angrily:] I don't see how he can 
keep from choking you ! [The smile vanishes from Billy's 
face, and an angry look replaces it.] What do you suppose 
would happen to me when my fond mama got home and 
discovered how her tender feelings had been fooled with? 
I've got a picture of it ! Oh, go on — you're doing fine ! 
[Walks to R.] 

Billy [ponders deeply, then, looking seriously] : You 
wouldn't want to poison her, would you? 

Archie [not thinking for the moment what he is saying] : 
Yes — I — Oh, no ! You rummy ! Oh, go away somewhere 
and die ! 



20 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Billy [advancing toward Archie and sniffing the air in 
imitation of Mrs. Townsend, imitating her voice] : Archi- 
bald Algernon Townsend ! You've been smoking ! 
[Archie grabs up some pillows and starts on a chase after 
Billy, who dodges behind tables and chairs, throws pil- 
lows, and kicks up a general commotion, in the very 
midst of which Mrs. T. reenters, bearing a large pic- 
ture of a chorus girl in scant attire, and a sign which 
reads: Chorus Girls Must Not Smoke in Dressing- 
Booms. Neither of the objects mentioned are visible to 
the audience until disclosed by Mrs. T. in the course of 
the dialogue.] 
Mrs. Townsend [calls in icy tones] : Archibald! [The 
wild chase ceases. Mrs. T. is at left, Archie at right, 
Billy in background-center.] Archibald, will you kindly 
explain the meaning of this? [Thrusts the poster of the 
.scantily-attired chorus girl before him, and into the view 
of the audience.] 
Archie [very quickly] : Oh, that's Billy's ! 
Billy [aside] : Oh, the liar ! 

Mrs. Townsend [sternly] : Mr. Burton ! Mr. Burton ! 
[Billy comes forward, casting malicious glances at Archie, 
who refuses to look at him.] I need not tell you how 
shocked and grieved I am that my son 7 s roommate should 
have the unspeakable bad taste to bring such an object as 
this into his chambers. It is disgraceful, sir ! Disgraceful ! 
[Throws the offending picture aside.] 
Archie [solemnly] : Oh, William, how could you? Oh, if 
I had only known ! [Folds hands piously in front of him, 
and casts his eyes heavenward.] 
Mrs. Townsend [turning suddenly on Archie] : And as 
for you, sir, you should be doubly ashamed ! How could 
you have tolerated such a thing? You, at least, have been 
brought up in the hatred of everything sinful, and you 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 21 

should lead your companion into better ways. [Archie 
looks angelic] 

Billy [aside'] : Oh, the little angel ! 

Mrs. Townsend [holding up the sign and reading] : "Chorus 
girls must not smoke in dressing-rooms." Perhaps you can 
tell me how this, also, came to be among your possessions. 
[Indignantly.] The idea of hanging such an object over 
his dear father's picture ! 

Archie [for a moment at a loss to find answer] : Why — 
that's — a — a — 

Billy [coming forward and hurriedly interrupting] : No, 
that's not mine! [To Archie angrily:] There's a limit 
to what a fellow will stand ! [Shakes his fist.] 

Archie [ignores Billy] : No, mother, that's a sign — a — a 
— notice, you know! 

Mrs. Townsend [frigidly looking at sign] : That is per- 
fectly apparent, sir! 

Archie: Yes. [Takes sign from her.] It's a little souvenir 
from one of our college plays. You see, the fellows took 
the parts of chorus girls, so of course a sign like that was 
necessary to keep them from smoking in the dressing- 
rooms. [ Aside, as he walks to R. :] That's the best I could 
scrape up! 

[Mrs. T. hurries back into room out L. As soon as she lias 
disappeared, Archie shies a pillow at Billy, who is 
laughing. Mrs. T. reenters with another sign, which she 
reads to the audience.] 

Mrs. Townsend [reads sign] : "Free lunch served on plates 
all day." May I ask if this, also, is a souvenir from one 
of your college plays? 

Archie [with a look of great astonishment on his face, walks 
slowly over to his mother and takes the sign. Billy, with 
a similar look, comes and gazes at it over Archie's shoulder. 
Archie examines the sign with great curiosity, reading it 



22 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

over carefully.] : Well, isn't that the strangest thing you 
ever heard of? How on earth did that thing come to be 
in our room, Billy? [Looks inquiringly at Billy, who 
shakes his head.] Well, isn't that a puzzle? [Both nod 
their heads thoughtfully over the sign.] 

Archie: It looks like one of those signs you see hanging 
in front of saloons. 

Billy [aside, after the manner of Dr. Watson, in "Sherlock 
Holmes"] : Marvelous ! Marvelous ! 

Archie [seized with a bright idea] : Oh, I know what it is ! 
Sure! Why the landlandy's husband keeps a saloon [Mrs. 
T. starts], and when he was in today to fix the window, he 
must have left this in the room. [Aside:] What is home 
without mother, but, oh, keep her home ! 

Mrs. Townsend [accusingly] : You wrote me that your land- 
lady was a widow. [Archie wilts.] Have you been falsi- 
fying, sir? 

Archie: Did I write that? Oh, to be sure! [Lying easily :] 
We moved from that place. This landlady has a husband. 

Mrs. Townsend [sarcastically] : You move rather fre- 
quently, it would seem. 

Archie [absently] : Yes, we have to ! A — a — I mean we 
grow tired of the same old place, don't we, Billy ?" 

Billy: Quite so! [Aside:] And the same old place gets 
mighty tired of us ! 

Mrs. Townsend [determinedly] : Well, I'm afraid that 
you'll have to move once again ! I won't have my boy 
rooming in a house where there is a nasty saloon-keeper, 
who leaves such signs as those lying around to poison the 
minds of innocent young men. I'll see the landlady this 
very instant ! [Starts rapidly for the center door in great 
anger.] 

Archie [going up center] : Oh, Lord ! And I'm three 
months behind in my rent ! [Grabs the vase from the table, 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 23 

throws the flowers away, and drinks the water.] Oh, my 
head! 

Mrs. Towxsend [pausing at door, in alarm] : Why, Archi- 
bald ! What ails your head ? 

Archie [aside] : That's what my teachers have been trying 
to find out. Here goes. [Aloud:] Oh! Oh! Oh! [Both 
hands to head as if in tremendous pain. This entire scene 
in which Archie feigns sickness must be worked out by 
the performer. The stamping of feet, tearing of hair, 
writhing about, waving of arms, etc., cannot be definitely 
put down here. The performer must create in this place 
upon the foundation of the suggestions offered.] 
[Mrs. Townsend, now thoroughly alarmed, runs to Archie 
and supports him on one side, while Billy supports him 
on the other. Together they assist him to the chair at 
right of table. Business.] 

Archie [weakly, passing his hand across his forehead] : Oh, 
I'm all right now, I guess. [In voice of a martyr:] Go 
back to your lessons, Billy. I wouldn't have you flunk a 
lesson for the world. [Shaking his head admonishingly :] 
You know / never did ! The professors expect more from 
you because you're my roommate. [Seized with another 
spasm:] Oh! Oh! Oh! [Stamps feet, writhes about, 
groans, etc. Business.] 

Mrs. Townsend [both arms around Archie]: Oh, dear! 
Oh, dear! What is it? [Archie groans in an exagger- 
ated imitation of one in 7nisery.] Oh, my darling baby — 
mother's precious angel ! Tell mother the trouble, sweet. 
Have you been studying too hard? 

Archie [sits up like a shot at the idea, then as he sinks back 
he says thoughtfully] : Yes, that's it ! [Business for 
Billy.] Guess I've been keeping too late hours. Why, do 
you know, mother, there were times when I didn't get to 
bed until three or four o'clock in the morning! [Noting 



24 WHEN MOTHEE CAME TO COLLEGE 

that mother is shocked.] Of course, that didn't happen 
very often. [Seized with another violent attack.] Oh ! 
Oh! Oh! 

Mrs. Townsend : Oh, dear ! Is that really so, Mr. Burton ? 

Billy [solemnly] : Yes, Mrs. Townsend, Archie burns a 
tremendous amount of midnight oil — [aside] in taxicabs ! 

Archie : Oh, the pain — the pain ! Do something for me ! 
Do something for me ! [Stamps feet on floor and tears his 
hair as if in terrible pain.] 

Mrs. Townsend: Just a moment, pet. [Hurrying to the 
door of room at L.] Mother has brought along her medi- 
cine case. Something told me I should need it! [At door:] 
I'll bring you a nice big dose of cod-liver oil ! [Exit into 
room at L.] 

Archie [making a very wry face and putting both hands on 
his stomach] : Cod-liver oil ! Oh, Lord ! Billy, get the 
cuspidor handy ! Cod-liver oil ! Ugh ! 

Billy [bringing cuspidor, and setting it down beside 
Archie's chair. Stands regarding him, with both hands 
on hips]: Now, for the love of Moses, what kind of a 
stall are you putting up ? Put me wise ! What's the game ? 

Archie [staring at him with a woe-begone look] : Darned 
if I know ! All I can see just now is my finish. Cod-liver 
oil ! Waugh ! [As he sees Mrs. T. reenter, with the medi- 
cines and a bandage :] Oh, my head ! The pain's in my 
head, mother, I don't need any cod-liver oil ! [Almost 
weeping.] 

Mrs. Townsend [at desk at L., busying herself with the 
medicines] : Now, you must do just as I tell you to do. 
Don't you suppose I know what is good for you? 

Billy [behind Archie's chair] : Certainly, Mrs. Town- 
send, that's the best thing in the world for him. Mix him 
up a good, big dose! [Turning towards audience:] He 
doesn't know what he is saying. [In a loud whisper:] I 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 25 

think he's a little out of his head! [Archie groans and 
shakes his fist at Billy behind his back.] 

Mrs. Townsend [bringing glass and spoon from desk at L.\: 
Now, you feed him the cod-liver oil, Mr. Burton, while 1 
fix him up a camphor bandage. And, mind, feed him the 
entire glassful ! [Archie howls at the word "glassful." 
Mrs. T. busies herself at desk with camphor bandage.] 

Billy [enthusiastically] : / will! [Receives the glass and 
spoon from Mrs. T. and prepares to administer the cod- 
liver oil to Archie.] 

Archie [in a loud whisper to Billy] : Dump that mess in 
the spittoon, Billy, and feed me from the empty spoon ! 

Billy : What ? And waste all this perfectly good medicine ? 
Nothing stirring ! Open your face ! 

Archie [amazed] : You traitor ! What are you going to 
do — give me the double cross? [Billy, obdurate, ap- 
proaches with the dose.] You fiend ! Oh wait till she goes 
home ! Wait till she goes home ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! [Mrs. T. 
looks up at them, startled.] 

Billy [in an undertone to Archie] : Look out ! You'll 
queer it ! [Archie looks over and sees his mother's eye on 
him.] Here, take your "medi." One— two— THREE ! 
[At "three" Archie is forced to gulp down the dose, making 
a wry face, and going through business to show his extreme 
dislike of it.] There ! There goes the first spoonful. 
[Looks critically into the glass.] Only about ten more 
left. [Archie howls at the word "ten."] Now, then, 
old chap, here goes for the second! [Pouring it out.] 

Archie [vehemently] : Not on your life! Cut it out, will 
you? A joke's a joke, but don't carry it too far — it's bad 
taste! [Billy nevertheless brings the second spoonful.] 
You murderer ! [Pleadingly and almost weeping :] Please, 
Billy, please ! Pour it down my shirt ! I always treated 
you fair ! 



26 WHEN MOTHEE CAME TO COLLEGE 

Billy [sotto voice to Archie] : Shut up ! [Then in a 
soothing voice as Mrs. T. looks up:] Now, Archibald, 
don't excite yourself ! We are doing our best to save your 
life ! [As Mrs. T. looks down again at her work, he grabs 
Archie's head with his left arm, and holds it back.] One ! 
— two ! — [Archie struggles and kicks vigorously, but 
with a triumphant "three!" Billy forces the dose down 
his throat.] 

Archie [choking, gagging, coughing, and sputtering] : Oh, 
wait! [Sputter.] Oh, wait! [Sputter.] I'll get you yet ! 
What's coming to you is plenty. Believe me ! [Hand on 
head, appears very sick. Billy laughs and crosses over 
to desk at L., which has just been vacated by Mrs. T. He 
sets the bottle down on the desk.] 

Mrs. Townsend [hastening down to Archie with a bandage, 
which she fastens around his forehead] : There ! this will 
make your poor head feel better ! And now, Archibald, I 
really must forbid your studying so hard, again. You 
really cannot stand it. You are so unaccustomed to it. 
[Meditatively :] In fact, it's so very unusual, that I really 
don't know what to think of it! 

Archie [in an aggrieved tone] : There you go ! Never give 
a fellow credit for doing anything! What do you think 
I've been doing down here all this time — loafing, and rais- 
ing high jinks? 

Mrs. Townsend [soothingly] : Now, Archibald ! 

Archie: 'Stead of that, I've been cramming like the very 
deuce, trying to win the hundred dollars prize for the 
highest average in my studies. And that's all the reward 
I get! 

Billy [at L., aside, lost in admiration] : Well, he's a won- 
der! You've got to give him credit! Can you beat that? 
Can you beat it? [Shaking his head.] 

Mrs. Townsend [at R., clasping hands and looking at 



WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 27 

Archie in bewildered admiration] : Oh, Archibald ! I 
never even suspected it of you! 
Archie [aside] : I don't wonder she's surprised — I'm aston- 
ished myself! 
Mrs. Townsend: I always told your father that going 
away to college would make you see the world in a dif- 
ferent light ! 
Archie [fervently] : I should say it has ! 
Billy [meaningly] : You bet it has ! 

Mrs. Townsend [at R.] : Archibald, if you should win that 
prize, I'll present you with a check for double the amount 
you win. Now I must get a blanket to wrap around you — 
you might take a chill. [Exit into room at L.] 
Billy and Archie exchange questioning glances. Archie 
throivs of the bandage and beckons Billy to him. A 
violent pantomime follows, Archie in chair, Billy at 
R. While the scene should be done in pantomime, it is 
well for the characters to know the lines that should be 
spoken were the scene to be given in the regular way. 
Therefore a suggestion of the general trend of the lines 
will not be amiss. The gestures must give the audience 
some idea of what is contemplated. Archie wishes 
Billy to go out and disguise himself as a professor and 
return to fool Mrs. T. into giving Archie that check for 
$200. lie makes gestures to show the donning of a wig 
and beard, indicates how Billy shall enter, seat himself, 
and talk to Mrs. T. Billy refuses, Archie insists. 
They argue, Billy waving his arms, Archie button- 
holing him and impressing his points. This scene must 
be worked up very carefully. Finally, with a gesture 
of resignation, Billy gives in and starts for the door, 
just as Mrs. T. reenters, carrying the blanket. xA.rchie 
quickly re-seats himself, and assumes the position of an 
invalid.] 



28 WHEN MOTHEK CAME TO COLLEGE 

Mrs. Townsend [seeing Billy at the door] : Why, where 

are you going, Mr. Burton? 
Billy [at door, stammering] : Why — I — a — I — 
Archie [coming to the rescue] : Oh, that's all right, mother. 

Billy's a reporter on the college paper, and he must get 

his copy in before the paper goes to press. Your coming 

made him forget all about it. He's late now. Hustle 

along, Billy ! [Exit Billy.] 
Mrs. Townsend [wrapping blanket around Archie] : There ! 

do you feel better now, darling? 
Archie [cheerfully] : Yep, whole lots ! Guess it was only 

a temporary spasm ! [A knock is heard at door at center.] 
Mrs. Townsend [starts] : Gracious ! Who in the world 

can that be at this hour? [Goes to door.] 
Archie [puzzled, leans forward, clenching his hands] : The 

dickens ! He couldn't have got back so soon ! 
Mrs. Townsend [at door, receives a telegram from someone 

on the outside] : Why, it's a telegram ! And for me ! Oh 

dear! I do hope nothing is wrong! 
Archie [in a frenzy] : A telegram ? What the — Oh ! What 

the deuce has Billy done now? Has that bonehead gone 

and messed things ? I thought I gave it to him straight ! 

[Head on hands, elbows resting on knees; the picture of 

despair.] 
Mrs. Townsend: Oh dear, oh dear! It's from Boston! 

Something must have happened to your father. I'm afraid 

to read it! [Weeps.] 
Archie [rises] : Now, mother, don't be foolish ! Give me 

the telegram. I'm not afraid to read it ! [Receives tele- 
gram from his mother; walks to right as he opens it.] If 

this is some of Billy's doings, it's mighty crude work ! 

[Opens up the telegram.] Why mother ! It is from 

father ! 
Mrs. Townsend : Oh, I'm so nervous ! 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 29 

Archie [reads excitedly] : "Have decided to go on to New 
York. Join me here at once." Signed, "Emery Town- 
send." [Shouts.] Hurrah! [Dances a hornpipe, waving 
arms and cutting up in unrestrained glee.] Hurrah! 
Hurrah ! 

Mrs. Townsend [indignantly] : Archibald ! What do you 
mean by such actions? Are you a barbarian, or a savage? 
Stop it at once ! [Stamps foot.] 

Archie [stops] : Oh I'm so happy — to know that father 
isn't hurt or something! [Goes through the same dancing 
business as before.] 

Mrs. Townsend [somewhat mollified] : Archibald, do calm 
yourself ! This excitement might bring on a relapse ! 

Archie [stops] : A relapse? [Bands on stomach.] Never 
again ! I don't like the cure ! 

Mrs. Townsend [ruefully] : Well, I suppose I must leave 
tomorrow. 

Archie [as if surprised] : Why, that's so ! Pshaw ! you 
haven't seen anything of the campus yet. [Aside:] Thank 
goodness ! [To his mother:] Couldn't you manage to stay 
a day or two at least ? [Awaits her answer with manifest 
anxiety.] 

Mrs. Townsend: Did not the telegram read: "Join me 
at once?" 

Archie [glances at the telegram] : Yes, that's so. 

Mrs. Townsend : Then I shall leave at once, as your father 
expects. [Archie gives sigh of relief.] I have never yet 
disappointed him. [Exits into room at L. A knock is 
heard at door at center.] 

Archie [in great glee] : There he is now ! Good old Billy ! 
I knew he wouldn't fail me! Now for one grand piece 
of work ! [Goes to door and opens it. Business of being 
greatly surprised.] Why, Professor Harrington ! What 
brings you here at this hour, Professor? [Looks around, 



30 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

discovers that his mother is not in the room.] Snappy 
work, Billy, old scout. [Claps him on the back.] You 
look great! Your own mother wouldn't know you, let 
alone mine ! Now smear it on thick ! [To Mrs. T., as she 
reenters, bearing suitcase.] Oh, mother ! Let me present 
one of my teachers, Professor Harrington. [With a smile, 
full of meaning:] The professor is the chairman of the 
committee on awards. [Crosses to R.] 

Mrs. Townsend: Committee on awards? [In great agita- 
tion.] Then you must have come to — 

Billy [gravely interrupting] : Yes, my dear madam, you 
are quite right in your suppositions. I have come direct 
from the final meeting of the committee on awards. I 
have taken such a deep interest in this noble [Lays hand on 
Archie's shoulder. Archie tries to look modest and 
noble], brilliant [Lays hand on Archie's head, but as 
Mrs. T. turns away, smiling, with gratification he pushes 
Archie in the face. Archie is indignant.], modest 
[Archie swells out his chest. Billy, seeing that Mrs. T. 
is not looking, thumps him and makes him lower his chest.], 
young man here, that I simply could not wait to tell him 
the glad news I bear. So, passing by the house, and know- 
ing that he is given to keeping late hours [Mrs T. looks 
at him inquiringly. Archie pokes him remindingly.], 
a — that is for the purpose of study [Mrs. T. satisfied, 
Archie much relieved.), I could not resist the temptation 
to stop in and inform him that — [Coughs several times.] 

Mrs. T. [excitedly] : Go on ! Go on ! [Archie pokes him 
again.] 

Billy: I stopped in to inform him that he has just been 
unanimously awarded the hundred dollars prize for the 
highest average in his studies. I assure you, madam, there 
is nobody in the college in his class ! [ Aside :] Well that's 
the truth, anyway! 



WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 31 

Mrs. Townsend [in ecstacy, running to Archibald at R., and 
throwing her arms around his neck] : Oh, Archibald, you 
wonderful boy! Oh, I'm so happy! [Lays her head on 
his bosom. Archie looks very uncomfortable. Billy 
turns away, laughing quietly.'] 

Archie : And now, mother, I don't want to break in on this 
outburst of joy, but you won't forget your promise? 

Mrs. Townsend [going to left]: Why, what promise? I 
don't remember making any ! [Archie faints into Billy's 
arms. Billy tries to brace him up. Both look very dis- 
gusted.] 

Mrs. Townsend: Oh, I remember! [Archie begins to 
take an interest in life once more.] I promised to double 
the amount you won. [Archie smiles expectantly. He 
and Billy exchange glances.] And so I shall, you splendid 
boy ! I'll get my checkbook from my purse immediately ! 
[At door at L.] Oh, what have I done to deserve such 
a son ! [Exit.] 

Archie [dancing to left. Billy crosses to right.] : Oh, it 
worked beautifully! [Laughing:] And that isn't all! 
She goes home tomorrow ! [Dances.] 

Billy [amazed] : The deuce you say ! How in the dickens 
did you manage that? 

Archie: I didn't need to. She got a telegram from my 
dad, calling her to Boston ! [They embrace and waltz 
around the stage, singing "Waltz Me Around Again, Willy/' 
They regain their serious poses as Mrs. T. reenters. Archie 
takes position at left beside desk, Billy at right.] 

Mrs. Townsend: Here is my checkbook. [Seats herself at 
desk at L.] And now to show my boy that his mother 
appreciates it when he does such splendid things. That's 
what comes, Archibald, of forsaking all good times and 
applying yourself to your studies. Wait till your father 
hears of it ! 



32 WHEN MOTHER CAME TO COLLEGE 

Archie [aside'] : Oh, wait till he does ! [Looks over his 
mother's shoulder as she makes out the check. Billy is 
standing at right, very stiff and dignified in the role of a 
professor.] 

Mrs. Townsend [reads as she writes] : "Pay to the order 
of Archibald Algernon Townsend, the sum of two hundred 
dollars/' [Business for Billy and Archie.] Signed, 
"Mrs. Eliza Townsend/' There ! [Hands check over her 
shoulder to Archie, who waves it at Billy and kisses it 
affectionately. Business.] 

Mrs. Townsend [looking doivn at her chatelaine watch] : 
Sakes alive ! Why it's twelve o'clock ! I had no idea it was 
so late ! I must leave in the morning on the nine o'clock 
train, so I had better get some sleep. I'll run up and see 
you the very first thing in the morning, son. [To Billy:] 
Good night, Professor. Your news has made me so happy ! 
[At center door.] 

Billy [grandly] : Oh, give the young man credit for it. 
He did it all. Good night, madam, and congratulations. 
Few mothers have such a son as yours. [Aside.] Lucky 
for them that they don't ! 

Archie [walking to door] : Good night, mother. You don't 
know how much good it's done me to have you here, even 
for a little while. 

[Exit Mrs T. Archie runs to the table and grabs up a 
mass of bills which he tosses up in a shower. Billy 
pulls off his disguise and throws it on the floor; then as 
the curtain descends the two chums do a war dance, 
Archie triumphantly waving the check. General tur- 
moil as the curtain descends.] 



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A. FLANAGAN COMPANY - CHICAGO 



inm!™?.Y 0F CONGRESS 



016 102 934 8 • 



Suggestive lissays 
and Orations 



By CHARLES READE. For Commencement and other 
occasions. A new edition, entirely revised, rewritten and 
reset. This volume contains over fifty essays and orations 
on all subjects, and for all occasions, together with a 
choice collection of salutatories, valedictories, class songs, 
class mottoes, (both English and Latin), and a brief 
treatise on how to speak in public This last is an im- 
portant feature of the book. Its aim is not as a text book 
in elocution, but as a practical help for the student who 
has never before spoken in public and desires to make a 
creditable showing. A chapter on how to make com- 
mencement successful has also been added with the hope 
that it may prove of much benefit to teachers handling 
this difficult problem. The book contains matter for 
Grammar Schools, High Schools and Colleges. It is the 
best and most complete work on the subject published. 
Printed from large new type, on good paper. 

224 pages. Cloth. Price, $1.00 

CONTENTS 

FOR COMMENCEMENT 

Salutatories: For Grammar School, High School and College 
Valedictories: For Grammar School, High School and College, and three Valedictory Poems 




Class History 
Class Poem 
Two Class Prophecies 
Class Will 



The Oration 



Our National Holidays 

Abraham Lincoln 

Birthday of Washington 

ESSAYS 
Forty- 
America a World Power 

Americanism 

America's Coming Great- 
ness 

Books 

Education 

Expansion 

Immortality of GoodDeeds 

Labor and Capital 

Material Wealth of Uncle 
Sam 



Three Class Songs 
A President's Address 
A Farewell Address 
Address to Graduates 

ON ORATORY 
The Orator 
Selected Subjects (one hundred) 

FOR. SPECIAL DAYS 

The Union Soldier 
The Soldier Boy 



Class Mottoes (over fifty) 
Class Yell 

How to Make Commence- 
ment Successful 



Parts of an Oration 



A Tribute to Our Honored 

Dead 
Independence Day 

, ORATIONS AND ADDRESSES 

six of them in all. We mention a few: 



Men : Made, Self Made and 
Unmade 

Mental Wealth of Uncle 

Modern Fiction [Sam 

MoralWealth of UncleSam 

Municipal Reform 

New Era in Higher Edu- 
cation 

New Opportunities in a 
New Age 

Our Country 



Power and Aim 
Progress of Humanity 
Pursuit of Happiness," The 
Success in Life 
True Greatness 
True Socialism, The 
UncleSam: His Character 
Uses of Education for Busi- 
ness 
Value of Reputation 
Wealth. Etc., Etc. 



A. Flanagan Company - Chicago 



